Hey you! Out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me? — Hey You, by Pink Floyd
What I’ve learned with Fallout 3: “Simulating” a Chinese invasion and killing everyone gives you a positive karma. Thanks for the tip!
A small briefing of most days in Euro 2012.
After a “tough” journey, here comes my last post on the series.
Believe it or not, it was actually quite hard to write those other post about Eunice. It brought me back many memories… And not good ones.
So yes, time to finish this dumb candy-ass crap and get to the real posting after the feels!
Therefore, after speaking about three girls with slightly identical stories between them, get ready… Because I’m going out of the box this time.
The next “case” is far from being normal.
But, before I start the writing, I guess I need a good random unrelated intro for this next “journey”…
I will award you with nothing if you find out in what movie is this based on.
Swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa swa… (Yes, it’s a helicopter)
Dim, dim, dim, dim…
Na na na nanananana na na na nanananaana nanna na na na nananana
Dum dum dum na na na na na dum dum dum
This is the end
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of all our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I will never look into your eyes… Again.
Like I said before, it’s totally unrelated, but this post required an awesome intro based on an awesome movie. And please, read the rest of it with Martin Sheen’s voice. It sounds more epic that way.
So, “late 2nd period, 2011”. If you read my last post, you most likely know how stuff was.
Eunice and Mimoso were still in a relationship, many of my other classmates also were in relationships, and I was alone.
Wait… I am still alone. Eh, too bad.
Of course, while I couldn’t change my appearance and my own genetic, I could certainly blame myself for sometimes being so lonely at school.
Mostly due to my MP3.
Like I said on the last post, I ended up becoming extremely addicted to my MP3. Yes, I know, it isolates you from society and builds walls around you and stuff, but hey… The wall was already there anyways, and like I also said on my last post, “society” was basically most of my friends having fun with their “honeys”.
It was better to stay off alone and listen to my music rather than being around all those couples kissing each other. I don’t like being a third wheel, either way. Well, who does?
Plus, it’s not like I was totally alone. I still spoke with my friends - At least the ones who weren’t busy having the time of their lives with their girls - And I also have more friends besides school.
Alright, not many, but I have some.
And I also had a project due to the end of the year. I was supposed to do “something” about child soldiers: Hence the name of the project, Younger Warfare.
Of course, my first idea (Typical from my ingenuous mind) was to make a movie.
But then I remembered how, being more than a few months away from the end of the year, it would be hard to make a movie like that.
So I decided to stick with writing a small book (Well, at the time more like a “small text”). At least I didn’t had to pay nothing for SFX and actors and all of that.
Still, I wasn’t sure of how the story line itself would be.
My first idea was to write about a gang of children (Of course, with GANGSTA GUNS and GANGSTA CAR CHASES and stuff) who’d operate around my neighborhood and a kid “coincidentally” similar to me who would face them all and bring their gang down to justice. All of this in the end would culminate in a awesome epic battle in the middle of a forest where their ammo bunker would be and where I - I mean, the protagonist, would end their malicious operations once and for all by defeating their leader!
For some reason, I always pictured the gang leader as Mimoso. Hmmm… Why would it be?
Anyways, that was only my first idea, and far from being the final one. I didn’t thought much about it in back then. I mean, I still had my time until the end of the year…
But well, that was how things were. Overall, I was mostly isolated and slightly lost in ideas. And while I got some good grades at the time, I was mostly busy obviously thinking about Eunice and in how my life would be a sea of roses if she was with me.
That was when I saw her. Not Eunice, another person.
Evidently, that person had always been there before, on that school. Yet… I only noticed her, I think, on the very last week before the Easter vacations ended.
Our Math class was over. I was going downstairs, without paying much attention to the surroundings as usual… When I saw her, walking through the corridor and speaking with some friend.
In fact, I will make it clear from this point that she is indeed pretty cute. Yet… That was the only thing I knew before that day. A cute girl… Like many in that school, or may I say, in any other school.
I guess I was only surprised by the sight of her that day…
… Because she was wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt.
That’s right. A damn t-shirt with what’s possibly the most iconic symbol in the history of rock was the main reason for me to actually pay attention to her.
As you might have already realized, I was (And I still am) obsessed with classic rock, and Rolling Stones are by far one of my 60’s/70’s favorite bands.
No, I don’t know as much about the Stones as I know about Floyd or The Doors, but songs like “Satisfaction”, “Gimme Shelter”, “Paint it Black”, “Sympathy for the Devil”, “Start me up”, among some others, are eternally stuck in my mind and in my heart.
Wow, that was kinda deep…
Still, there was the chance of her not even knowing what she was wearing.
No, the scene above didn’t happen. It is just a supposition of what could have happened if I spoke to her the day she was wearing the t-shirt.
And please note that she wasn’t ALWAYS wearing the Rolling Stones t-shirt, but since I think it looks fine, I will keep it in the next drawings.
In fact, it’s kinda curious that I remember her better than I remember of anything of what I was supposed to learn during classes, and yet I was still one of the best students.
Don’t misinterpret ”one of the best” as a “great student”, though. I was only one of the best students in my class because, like I said on Eunice’s post, at least half of the class was only in school to “walk the books” (At least the ones who even cared about bringing books). Therefore, I was only good due to the general amount of awful students that made me look good in comparison.
I think that, if I was in a better class, I wouldn’t probably have any “4’s” or “5’s” at the end of the year.
Anyways, for some bloody reason it seemed like I started to see that girl much more often since that day.
Or well, at least I would some (Many) times stumble upon her during the time between classes, walk by and not resisting to stare at her out of curiosity…
… And she would stare back, resulting in a short moment of quick awkward eye contact.
And yes, that ended up happening quite often.
I wonder how much of a creeper I might have looked like to her.
Ha, sorry, I couldn’t resist on making a bad Minecraft joke here.
But yes, I did casually had those awkward moments of exchanging strange eye contact with her. I wouldn’t call it an obsession or an infatuation, though. I guess that, during that time, I was just mostly intrigued after seeing her wearing the damn t-shirt.
In the remote case if she did knew what she was wearing, could that mean there was still a chance of not every girl in my age being deaf with the nowadays trash generally called “music”?
Still, “likes” are just “likes”. Whether she liked the Stones or not, I don’t think it was enough for me to fall for her.
I didn’t even knew her name!
Either way, the Easter vacations soon begun.
Actually, I don’t remember much from that Easter vacation. The best I recall was going to Algarve for a few weeks, my dad buying Daft Punk’s TRON Legacy soundtrack and hearing it all the way (Which is coincidentally what I’m hearing right now - And which makes every single word I write look epic), me buying a dumb MP5 toy with lots of attachments that were used to customize some of my airsoft guns, rethink life (As if I was in middle age) and listen to tons of Pink Floyd while watching the sea.
“Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air…”
And yes, in case if, even with at least a Floyd reference per post and with “me” always wearing a Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt, you didn’t realize that Floyd is my favorite band… Well, it is, so now you know.
But yes, my Easter vacations were overall pretty sh*tty.
I don’t like Algarve at all. While it’s probably the part of Portugal that attracts tourists the most, it’s also a quite awful place. I’m not much of a fan of beaches, either.
And the rest of the Easter was pretty much staying in my computer and playing videogames all the time.
Oh, and I bought Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 at the beginning of the vacations. Finished the campaign on my first play in Veteran in 3 days LIKE A BOSS, got “pwnd” hard at Multiplayer and until today I couldn’t finish all the Spec Ops.
Still, it’s an awesome game and it was certainly the highlight of my Easter.
Yes, sitting in front of a screen, shooting Russians, Op40’s and favela gangsters… Was the best thing I did. It was almost as good as the fast-paced days of laying in my hotel bed in Algarve, waiting for my parents to take me somewhere.
And even without all of that… I can’t say it was exactly an awful Easter. It was boring, but at least it helped me to get my mind off school - For a few days.
Of course that, after two weeks, I had to get back “on duty”.
Classes were getting duller. On that last period, wherever I had good or bad grades, I just didn’t care.
In fact, I remember the only negative evaluation I got was in “Natural Sciences”, mostly because, like I exemplified above, the only matter the teacher spoke about was sexuality.
I seriously don’t like speaking about sex. Not in front of adults.
I spent most of my classes drawing. Urban landscapes, robots, guns, jets… Pretty much any crap that came out of my mind.
Don’t get me wrong though, just because I drown (And still draw) a lot, it doesn’t mean I have any talent. I am kinda decent in drawing cities and Transformers, but I suck on drawing all the other things.
I just like drawing because… I don’t know why, really. There’s something in the blank paper and in the pen that attracts me. Something that makes me want to pass what’s in my mind to the paper. Wherever it’s good or not.
In other words, that’s the #1 reason of why I decided NOT to study arts. I’d love to, but I recognized I don’t have the talent.
Anyways, the “worst” was that, even after two weeks…
… When I came back to school, the socially awkward stares while passing next to the girl were still constantly happening.
I couldn’t resist looking at her nearly every time I walked by. She’d look back with her “look of disapproval” and cross eyes with me for a few moments before one of us just looked away.
I know. It was “weird”.
I don’t think so.
To be honest, I think it was quite normal.
I was having a depressing time, part of me trying to get Eunice out of my mind and the other part of me making schemes to get Mimoso out of the way.
I can only blame my brain for always starring at the girl. I guess I was just so “Dazed and Confused”… That I ended up seeing something more in that girl, rather than a “Perfect Stranger” I’d walk by everyday.
I know, I know, these things are all awkward. Feelings are… Strange. Especially when you simply can’t explain them.
So, it was all kept on stares, until one day when I stumbled upon the Facebook of that girl.
Well… This is when crap gets serious. I’m not sure if I should mention her name here.
I spoke about Inês, Claudia and Eunice ‘til here without any problem. Yet, If I mention her name, I’m not sure if she would be okay with it.
So, for safety reasons, I will just call her Anon. Yes, it’s an abbreviation for ”Anonymous”.
More than her name, I also found out that…
… She was an otaku.
I’m pretty sure that almost everyone is familiarized with the term, but in case if you never interneted before and don’t know what “otaku” means, then it’s pretty much the Japanese equivalent of “nerd”.
Except that, while the term nerd ranges from book-addicted people to Star Wars geeks (Those guys who take every single corner of the expanded universe into account), otaku is generally attributed to people obsessed with mangás and animes.
That came as a surprise to me, mostly because I never imagined there could be an otaku on that school.
Not that I was much into the anime fandom, either. To be quite honest, I was never really an anime fan before.
It’s not that I don’t like anime. I’ve always seen the Japanese culture as something… Interesting. Not just in terms of mangás and animes, but the Japanese media overall as an extremely unique culture… Which I sadly never had much contact to begin with.
Specially when it comes to Japanese animation.
So, like I said, I was mostly surprised. Surprised and intrigued by this girl.
I guess I was mostly for finding the Japanese synonym for a “nerd” in that school.
It kept on going like that: Some thoughtful stares in the playground, some pass-bys… Nothing amazing, nothing unusual, just SSDD.
While time passed, something new came by. One day during arts class, the teacher informed me that…
But that was bloody amazing! A 70’s ball! I immediately made up the whole thing in my mind…
… Of course, there was a little “something else”, as always.
Well… That sucked.
And it’s not what I wanted.
The list WAS MINE! I don’t care if the suggested theme was “disco”… The. Ball. Would. Rock.
A 70’s ball… A perfect idea for a second, even if it was just to watch from a distance without a pair… And one that I wasn’t gonna let get ruined by disco.
At least that was my idea, and what I would do until the point I was allowed to.
And I had another idea.
So, there was the girl with the Rolling Stones shirt. And there was the list I had to do. Why not combine both?
And that’s when the “first encounter” came.
I had her contact on Facebook. I was just simply going to be some guy who saw her with the t-shirt, presumed she liked classic 60’s/70’s rock and asked her to help me choose the songs for the ballad.
To be quite honest… No, I don’t think that’s weird.
Not at all.
I mean… What’s wrong on asking someone for suggestions?
Maybe it’s the way I asked for them.
The following is the translation of the message i sent her in Facebook. Get ready, “Cool story, bro” ahead.
That was it.
I know, really. It’s hard to look back and not to think of how much of a weird dumb ass I acted when all I wanted to ask was “Hey, I saw you once with a Rolling Stones t-shirt! If you know some 70’s rock, can you please help me with choosing the ball songs?”
I… I can’t explain in what the bloody hell was I thinking when I wrote that message.
I really was mad.
I don’t know how the hell it sounded good while I wrote it.
And when I did, it was already kinda late. My crazy message had already been sent. All I could do now was wait for the reply.
And play LA Noire while I waited for it.
And after a few minutes of Arson, she replied.
Wait… What? A stalker?
How the hell was I a “stalker”?
Isn’t a stalker an individual that obsessively follows, observes and violates the privacy of someone?
Well… Yes, I crossed eyes with her sometimes. And I sent her a message in Facebook.
But I don’t remember following her, spying on her or anything else. I mean, isn’t that what a stalker does?
Still, I resisted the urge of getting mad and criticize the name “stalker”, and I gently (Well, as gentle as I could have been) replied to her.
And that was it. At least for a while.
At the end of the night, I though for a moment about what I’ve done and what I’ve written to Anon.
Why did I act that way?
What made me write all that crap?
Was I obsessed with her? Was I merely interested in her? Was it only the expectation of a friend in that school that had similarly nerdy interests to mine?
What was it?
I will go with my last option. I was still kinda hit by the Eunice thing, with typical retarded mid-14’s (Once again, speaking like if it was a period I passed through decades ago) thoughts, feeling as if no one understood my weirdness and all that bull crap. Maybe I saw in her… someone a bit like me. At least when it comes to “weird taste”, as seen to most of the school.
… I DIDN’T SAID I FELT FOR HER OH MY GOD WHERE DID YOU TOOK THAT IDEA NO I DIDN’T I SWEAR I MEAN SHE WAS JUST THE PRETTY GIRL I PASSED BY SOME DAYS THERE WAS NO WAY I MADE ALL OF THAT BECAUSE I LIKED HER NO…
… Kay, breathe… Breathe in the air… Aham, back to the story.
I obviously avoided looking at her during the next days. Sometimes, a quick stare would slip by, but not much more than that.
If that was what she called stalking, fine, I wouldn’t insist more about it.
What could I possibly want from Anon, either way? She was just a cute (Yes, I have no problem in saying she was cute) student from my school that I scared away with my “charm”. Eh, not a big deal. And I could obviously do the list by myself.
And I had other things to take care of.
Like that stupid story I had to write.
So I put all my “strengths” onto it and in a few nights (Around 1 week or so) I did what I should have been working on the whole year.
Now, while the story I wrote wasn’t THAT long (Approximately 20000 words, 39 pages in Office Word and around 100 pages when converted into a typical mid-sized book), no, I obviously won’t translate the actual entire book and re-post it here. Not just because it is, like I said, quite big, but because it also sucks.
Ok, it isn’t a complete failure, there is some stuff in it that I would call decent. And the storyline itself in a whole, while it may not be the most creative thing, may have some potential for a movie script or something like that.
Plus, I am planning on re-writing the whole thing. There were some details and scenes I just didn’t wrote down in the original history because I simply didn’t have the time (At least not from the moment I started to write it) to do so. And yes, I may translate that “good version” and post it here, when I finish it, of course.
I will try to abridge the story:
So, there was this kid named Félix in his 14’s. The kind of kid who plays lots of First Person Shooters and likes Pink Floyd.
… No! How did you got that idea? What makes you think the kid was “inspired” in me?
I mean, yes… He liked TWO things I liked… But at least he had a social life. And didn’t have a beard. So.. I guess that is enough to make a difference.
Anyways, Félix is the protagonist, and yes, it’s the history told from his point of view. He had just finished the 9th grade and the book starts with him getting ready for a finalists field trip to Africa (Organized by his Geography teacher) where he was going to visit a ONU base with some of his “meaningless” classmates who don’t interact with the main storyline (Represented above). Besides him, in the plane there were also going some other finalist 9th graders from his same school…
… Including a black haired otaku girl that, on first contact with the protagonist, immediately accuses him of being a “stalker”
All right, it’s no use to lie: The character’s appearance and initial attitudes towards Félix were partially inspired by Anon.
So what? I just thought of the meaningless case I had passed through and added a bit of paranoia to the character.
I didn’t know much about Anon to even be able to call her an “inspiration”, either way. And also, there are some meaningful differences between what I knew from the IRL person and the character, that I will mention soon.
Of course, the girl - Whose name is Bianca - And Félix eventually meet during the flight to Africa, and end up having at fist a typical socially awkward conversation.
Then some stuff happens (Stuff that I don’t want to describe right now because, according to the few people who read it, it was one of the best parts of the story - And therefore, for me, one of the few that didn’t suck and that I don’t want to spoil until I finish the corrected version)…
… And they end up both together by themselves.
In the middle of an African jungle.
… Ok, before someone starts to have perverted thoughts, there’s no kinky stuff in the novel.
In fact, no, Bianca and Félix don’t end up in each others arms, kiss or even slightly fall for the other in any moment of the story. I tried to get away from a teen drama as far as I could, and I think I was successful, at least in that point.
And of course, since the objective was to do a work about child soldiers…
… Bianca and Félix eventually get captured by a bunch of armed kids speaking in a native language (AKA Afrikaans, translated with Google) who “nicely” escort them to their tribe’s base.
Without much of an explanation for all that was going on, they are presented to the kids leader and given orders.
Bianca is accused of being a useless ugly bitch, for being… Well, white (I think it’s needless to say that from the moment they arrived they became the only white people on the base) and therefore not even useful for satisfying the soldiers sexual needs. Without any further hesitation, she is sent to the kitchen base and becomes absent in for the next chapters.
Félix is sent to infantry, to be used as a child solider against the enemy.
In the dorms, on his first night there, Félix meets Jawaad, a kid from Angola who also speaks Portuguese (Yeah, it’s all translated to English here, but on the original novel it’s obviously Portuguese) and explains what happened to all those kids who were also in infantry.
In Angola, Jawaad’s dad had died and was “replaced” by a white man who was always kicking his ass. Desperate for a better life, Jawaad ran to some big black guys who promised him a life full of success and glory - And since then, he was kidnapped by this tribe called the “Moordenaars” (Direct Afrikaans translation for “Murders”) and trained to be… Well, duh, a young murder.
The Moordenaars, at least according to Jawaad, are the greatest tribe in middle Africa, popular for their power and their huge army of ruthless “young warriors”. Besides the Moordenaars in Africa, there’s also the Gewelddadige-Reëls, veterans from the Portuguese Colonial War, who don’t possess as many child soldiers like the Moordenaars, since they are mostly weapons dealers.
And there was evidently a bunch of other African-urban armies I didn’t bother to even speak about in the novel, since the story is mostly focused on the Moordenaars, with a small appearance of the Gewelddadige-Reëls and another longer one from a non-African army who I will mention about soon.
In a few days, after being “defeated” by fear, Félix is transformed into a killing machine. We get a few chapters of him training in the base, killing a few Gewelddadige-Reëls and eating the daily Moordenaars healthy meal - Bread and soup. No biggie, only his mind and self consciousness being slowly corrupted.
Until NATO finds out about the Moordenaars military illegal operations in Africa.
Of course, this leads to the dispatch of US Marines to the location (The third and last intervening army in the action) - Which is when Félix wakes up from this violent fantasy, remembers all that he learned from Call of Duty and Battlefield (i.e… “If the Americans find out our base, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”) and realizes that if he doesn’t get out of that place soon then he’s pretty much f*cked, like everyone inside.
Of course not Jawaad or even anyone else believes in his description of “non-piloted bombers” and “105mm cannons in huge planes”, which leads to the conclusion that Félix must get out of there by himself.
Or well… Maybe not totally by himself.
During the last dinner, Bianca finally re-appears as a servant giving the food to the “team” and discretely passes Félix a paper, calling him to meet her at the kitchen that night.
Basically, after some planning they successfully murder the guards, steal their weapons, kill the “kids leader” and escape in a jeep.
In fact, during this chapter Bianca is represented as being much colder than Félix - While the latter tries to avoid most of the conflicts, to turn the child soldiers against their leaders and to start an uprising so they could escape “stealthy” in the middle of the confusion, Bianca on the other hand is extremely malefic, going straight into the enemies (Wherever unprovoked or not), getting the biggest number of body count she can among the uprising, taking advantage of catching the leader unarmed just to have her sweet revenge for being called a “useless bitch” and not really giving a damn about whoever stayed behind or not.
I think this is the main characteristic that distinguishes the fictional character from Anon. I mean… I don’t exactly know Anon’s personality, and I’m not sure if she would be THAT cold and malefic if she was handed a gun.
And had her life depending on it.
Anyways, the important is, they escape.
After some boring walking around the jungle while looking for the NATO base, Bianca expresses “the rest” of her dark side to Félix, describing how much she hated criminals, how much the world was rotten and how glad she was for murdering all those people, especially the leader.
Yeah, a female Light Yagami figure, kinda of.
And after a few days of insanity in the jungle, while looking for the damn base, they finally find it.
And the novel ends with both alive and happy, flying back to Portugal in a Chinook against the sunset (But wait, if they are going North shouldn’t the sun be… Ah, never mind, screw logic), with Félix reflecting about how they will be considered heroes when they arrive home, even after the horrible things they had to do and also thinking about how war won’t ever stop if “even the youth have to press the trigger”.
Well, that’s it.
Wow… I’m not sure if this abridged version makes the story sound better or worse than it actually is.
Overall, I will call it an average work. Had potential, decent given the short time I had to deal with it, with interesting moments, yet it certainly needs lots of work to make it up for it’s premise.
And given the full state of the novel, it’s certainly far from being publishing-worthy. Maybe on the “redux” I will be able to take it up to that level…
Well, let’s jump to the last few days of classes, the release day of Younger Warfare - Or, in other words, the day where I would give it to the teacher.
It was a bit like this…
Wherever I liked it or not, the teacher had a point. I though the novel itself was average, and even if everyone else thought it was great, I actually didn’t work on it during the class. So, good or not, it wasn’t a school work.
Of course, on that day, I didn’t just show the novel to the teacher, I also shared it with some of my friends.
… Including my cyber Brazilian friend Miguel. If you’ve read the previous posts, you may remember him from “Operation Young Lust”.
As seen above, he read the whole thing and liked it. The problem is…
… So had I also told him about the “Anon case” a few days ago.
And he soon identified the similarities between the character Bianca and Anon
And, like friends usually do, he decided to troll me, discovering her Facebook profile and sending her a few messages revealing what I’ve wrote about that similar character. Something that he told me a few days after the school year was over.
SON OF A… I mean, the similarities weren’t THAT coherent, and like I said before, I seriously don’t consider Anon as a full inspiration for Bianca, but if she even got to consider it then I was screwed!
After him copy-pasting the messages, solving that with Miguel on a 1x1 in Black Ops and after we buried the hatchet, I still had to clean up his mess. He volunteered to do so, but I decided to make use of the situation to patch things up between Anon and me.
So I went to Facebook and…
(Get ready, yet another “Cool story, bro” ahead)
It wasn’t as bad as the original message, I guess.
At least, like I hoped it would, it had a rather positive effect.
Well… At least I took her away from the mentality of me being a stalker.
And she seemed to be interested in reading my story!
Slightly interesting a girl who isn’t from my family in something I made… Well, that’s an accomplishment, at least.
So I kept on messaging…
Well, there went my chance of female non-family feedback about my work.
That was the last thing I sent to her, for some time. So, at least things were now peaceful between us. I can’t say we were friends or acquaintances, but even although she ended up not giving a damn about my “long” novel, at least she didn’t saw me as a weirdo no more.
At least I think so.
And still, there was something else, something that intrigued me in her.
You know when you can’t take a person off your mind? Not simply because she is pretty, but as if she represented some sort of unreachable, interesting pole?
I guess I still found her a curious person. Even although the school year was over and I will most likely never see her again.
As if she was the one in fifty million who could help us to be free.
No, she didn’t die on TV.
So, the summer vacations kept on going. And not many stuff changed.
Well, Anon painted her hair red, for what I saw on the 9th grade final exams day.
And that was the last time I saw her, or at least IRL.
Still, she appeared online quite often.
Not that it meant much, either. What the hell was I gonna say to her? Specially when I have nothing to speak about.
yet, I was STILL intrigued by her. And I had a contact who could help me to understand her.
Eunice herself - Yes, even after that cold IRL ending I spoke about, like I mentioned, she still appears online frequently and we usually speak to each other. And since she and Anon were friends on Facebook, she could have known something…
After that, me and Eunice spoke some more times about Anon. She didn’t say much - Seemed like her and Anon were actually good friends and she didn’t want to compromise everything she knew about Anon to me.
That’s when I started to think a bit about her. Well, at least in a logical way.
So, there was the girl. Pretty, now red-haired, liked mangá, sounded like she had a good musical taste. Therefore, while the school years “still existed”…
… It sounded like she could have been, at the very least, a good friend.
Seriously, for the Intel I got she had been on that school since the 8th grade. If, during the times I wasn’t so fugly, I had attempted to at least know her…
Errm, I mean, I could have tried a less radical approach on the 8th grade.
But NO! I was too busy giving a damn about the rest of the world.
I know, what a waste.
Who am I kidding?
I was never less “fugly”. And even if I had attempted something a bit sooner, I’d still look like a freak anyway.
Heck… Maybe that was it.
Maybe I actually felt for her?
Yeah… It was possible that, during the event of trying to find out who she was and what was behind her intriguing look, I may have become interested in her.
And in the drawings above I destroyed my own room while thinking about it for no reason other than to look bad-ass and reference “One of my turns”.
But yeah, although with the room still intact, there I was.
I had just realized how much of a disgrace I was for my “ex-school”, my family and my country.
Falling for a girl who I will most likely never see again… It was shameful.
Heck, that could I do now? The best thing I could do was to suck it up (No homo), take it like a man and ignore her existence.
And so that’s what I attempted.
And so, to take my mind away from my computer and my past school life, I settled off with some friends (Well, actually my father’s friends from his institute - And yes, my father and my mom were also on the trip) around Portugal.
Plus, one of the ladies from the institute brought her kids (Igor and Nadia) along - Which was pretty cool, since I know them “long time” and therefore at least it wasn’t a dull trip.
It’s funny, I deal better with younger kids (They are three or four years younger than me) or sometimes with adults than with people who have my age.
So, even with boring moments, like I said above, they were some well spent weeks away from home. Plus, since I brought my airsoft guns…
… Me and Igor even made a short movie, recorded by Nadia and her mother. You can waste your time and see it subtitled in English here.
I know, it’s no Apocalypse Now.
In fact, it’s even no Hunger Games.
Yeah… It’s pretty awful, but please, take in account that it was made totally out of the random in less than a hour (We were all dinning and it was a bit like “Hey, let’s make a movie with all these airsoft guns?”) and plus none of us obviously took it THAT seriously.
It was recorded just for fun, and I thought it was upload-worthy. Why not?
And well… At least during those weeks, that was probably the highlight.
In fact, besides the trip, I can say my summer vacations were quick and terribly boring, at least before the last two weeks in Washington D.C.- BUT, I will bring that up soon.
And so, back to “my” part of Portugal, with my mind already away from Anon - I mean, I still remembered her, but I’d lost all that “interest”. When suddenly, while I was walking around Fnac…
… And it turns out that Death Note thing was actually interesting.
As uncult as this may sound, I had never read a manga before, therefore reading “black and white” comics backwards full of guys with big eyes and mouths was something new for me.
I was quickly impressed not just by the (For me who had never read something like that) amazing alternative art, but also by the fantastic plot.
Seriously, unlike I expected, there is actually more to Death Note than - According to what I knew from most of the audience before reading - “kawaii boys”. The storyline itself is unique, and in certain terms I would say it’s actually philosophical. It’s only bad that most of the, as far as I see it, deep plot of Death Note is mostly sucked away by the amount of fangirls who use it as raw material for yaoi fan “art”.
Just my point of view, of course.
Anyways, for the time I was reading Death Note, it was certainly freaking fun. The problem is… Well, Fnac actually only had 1/5 of the whole collection, which is almost nothing - And is even worse given that it is a particularly small series, since it only has 13 published books, the last one being a “How to read” bonus.
Of course, I could read them all in the internet (Like I did with the two or three first ones I didn’t found for sale in retail), but it’s obviously much cooler to have the actual printed book. And I needed some intel on a specialized mangá store.
And I’m pretty sure that Anon knew where it would be.
But if I asked her would she think I’m weirder?
I mean, last time we spoke she was OK with me, but she could still have hostility towards me and yet consider me a stalker…
Aw, screw it! I was gonna ask her for a good store, not in marriage!
So, I went to that Kingpin Books thing. It’s a comics and mangá store in Lisbon - Small (At least compared to what I’ve seen in ’MURIKA) but extremely rich in content.
I like the fact that the store is divided by comics in one of the sides and by mangas in the other. It kinda displays the general rivalry between these two “fandoms”.
I bought some more Death Note books and stacked them up for the trip to Washington I was gonna make. The summer vacations were ending and I was gonna enjoy those last two weeks in big style - By travelling to the heart of America.
Well, it was sure gonna make it up for how tremendously boring the rest of the vacations had been until then - At least compared to the last year when I visited Germany and LA.
When the day arrived, I packed my stuff and went (Of course, with my parents) to America.
First we spent some days in Philadelphia, and then we drove to Washington DC.
Among the things I did, I must mention visiting the Philadelphia aquarium and the Masonry temple, going to the amazing Smithsonian Air & Space museums (The one in D.C. and the hangar in Virginia), driving (Or well, being driven by my parents) around Washington, seeing the White House, the Washington Monument, the Pentagon, the US Capitol, do lots of shopping in awesome stores, spending the last three days on Atlantic City in New Jersey…
… And finish reading Death Note at night, after the fast paced days in the city.
By the way, in my opinion, the ending was fantastic.
So, concluding what I stated a few lines before about Death Note: Certainly an awesome manga, that also originated an awesome anime. It is short, with a simple concept and yet with one of the most creative storylines I’ve read in years.
Of course, I’m an horrible example to speak more about that, since I’m far from being an otaku, and therefore Death Note was the first and only manga I’ve read until now. I mean, yes, I’ve already read some Full Metal Alchemist and Dragon Ball in Fnac, and I also watch Pokemon, Inuyasha, Sergeant Frog and One Piece sometimes, but I’ve never been into something as appurtenant as Death Note.
But then again, besides Death Note I don’t know much more about animes and mangas, and therefore I don’t have any substantial material for compassion. I guess I liked Death Note mostly because it presents a concept much different from most plots I usually see in mangas. A revolted anti-hero, with the will to change the world and being the new “supreme master”, in a modern society… I think, far from the usual plot of animes.
Overall, awesome manga/anime. That’s the best way to sum it up. I just can’t say it got me into reading mangá, since after I finished Death Note I haven’t read any other. That may change this summer, though - I’m interested on picking up with Bleach from the beggining.
So, that was pretty much my summer vacations. Not the best, but there are people who spend it at home, so I won’t complain like an ungrateful bastard.
There was only a con…
… Among Washington, among my moments alone with the monuments, I had my periods of reflection.
Reading the Vietnam, World War 2 and Korean war memorials, seeing the Washington monument and the Lincoln Memorial made me think.
And among my random thoughts about life and existence, I also thought about Anon. For some moments.
I was, like I said before, in the heart of one of the most important nations in the modern world. An historically and culturally impressive place, there aren’t many like D.C. in the world.
Yet, instead of reflecting upon America, on it’s raw origins (As far as I like going to America, it’s a bit deceptive to think all of that was built over the blood of Indians) and on it’s importance upon the present… Instead, I thought about a girl.
Anon was yet still an intriguing person for me, even miles away from home.
Maybe I was mistaking Anon for the fictional character in Younger Warfare?
And while I was too “busy” thinking, time eventually catched up and soon I was back home. And soon, around 3 days or so, I was back to studying, in my “new fancy school”.
This wasn’t the mental seize of Anon, though.
Even in school, even sometimes during the boring moments of classes, she was stuck in my mind.
It was not like we spoke a lot. It was not like if we ever met each other in real life. I just simply, for some reason my scumbag brain won’t explain, got intrigued by her.
Specially by the fact that, according to Eunice, she went to an art school. Could that mean a “partial” artistic facet in her?
I mean… It was something curious, given that I was also interested in going to arts before I decided to follow a Humanities course. As you can see with most crap in this blog, my drawings absolutely suck - And even although I dream having a future in an artistic department (I’ve been thinking about a cinema producer), I’m pretty sure you don’t need to follow a drawing based course to do so. Also, if it was just to learn how to draw it could be cool - Yet, for what I’ve heard, arts courses are extremely restrictive, being over-rigorous and giving you little free will to express your creativity.
Correct me if I’m wrong.
Anyways, it’s not like I, even although on the time in doubt if my choice of going to Humanities was actually good, really cared about her studying arts…
*Sigh* Yes, I did.
And, like any non-vulgar idiot, I tired to have a conversation with her about that.
… What such a terrible attempt to make a conversation.
I only tried it because… Well, I guess that after she finishes the 12th grade she will be “officially” an artist, right? Therefore, by keeping in contact with her, it would be… Close to being in contact with someone inside the world of art.
Plus, I’ve also seen one of her works in DeviantART.
She sure has got talent.
In fact, I remember of even having a “job proposal” for her.
I had (And well, still have plans) to release the redux - AKA, the corrected, revised and decent version - Of my book, even if just inside my dad’s institute (Since it was already requested there) and therefore to a limited audience. I’ve already got an editor ready to print around 30 copies - Enough for the institute - And I need a stylish cover.
Sure, I could buy a good cheap child-soldiers related picture in iStock, but that’s what any sucker would do. I wanted to do something more creative. And therefore, I thought about “hiring” - And pay, if I had to - Anon to draw a cover for the book. You know, like Bianca posing in big style with her gun in her shredded clothes, over a white clear background. Something like that.
Similar to what I made above, only in a “manga-ish” style - And of course, less fat.
At least less fat than a stretched pentagon with a head, arms and legs can be.
And I would make her the proposal…
… If I had the time to do so.
Then, surprisingly, near the begging of the Christmas vacations, her Facebook page has gone.
At first I thought she had been over annoyed by that short conversation and had deleted me, but then “thankfully” after a short investigation I found out I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t access her profile - Therefore, she was gone from Facebook.
I didn’t have any sight of her around FB until the Christmas vacations arrived - That was when her new new profile miraculously showed up.
And with a good overdose of interesting likes. Even with the same bunch of animes and stuff, there was some new curious stuff.
Especially Floyd, right there in the first place on the “Music” likes list.
Of course, that meant in no way that she was actually a Floyd fan. She could have simply heard Another Brick in the Wall or Money, thought they were cool and randomly clicked the like button on Facebook’s Floyd page - Like I do sometimes with some bands.
Seriously, it doesn’t take that much knowledge to press the ”Like” button. I don’t know much more than two or three songs from some of the bands I like in Facebook.
Anyways, that sure made me curious. So, I evidently sent her a friend request and a message asking if she really liked Floyd, and waited for her eventual reply.
A bunch of days passed.
Needless to say, she refused my friend request and didn’t bother replying to my message.
Well, there went my idea for a strictly professional relationship with her.
And that was pretty much it.
She is not a big crush, neither a heart cutter. She is simply someone who left me intrigued, as I still remain until today.
I’ve got to give her credit, though - She made me change my perception upon otakus and anime.
Someone who I usually saw on the playground. Someone who certainly, like most people, didn’t tolerate my existence - Or maybe was simply annoyed by it. Possibly a dreamer, like all of us.
Maybe she is simply another crazy diamond?
… And that was it, folks! This and the previous posts were all my lonely heart stories! If anyone is actually reading me out there then hey, this boring “series” is finally over.
It doesn’t surprise me I only have 2 followers in this Tumblr. Not just its existence has been short and wasn’t expanded at all, but seriously, who the hell would like to read through hugeass posts about girls I liked?
Well, maybe the girls themselves and persons who are passing through feels similar to my feels, but then again, I’ve got no advises here for those people. Why the hell are you here, anyways?
Though, if you are expecting for interesting and not absurdly huge posts about random subjects… Now that I’ve spoken about enough girls, that’s what is coming right up next!
in-your-fucking-mind perguntou: why are you such a good friend? :)
Because you are cute and smart.
… LOL, but seriously, maybe because you don’t let me out of the friendzone? ;_;
(You’re still awesome though =3 )
Every morning, waking up fresh after some hours of sleep…
… And the circle goes on and on.
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest — Albert Einstein (Yes, it ironically fits within this Tumblr situation…)
Yes, this is another entry on the “Girls I loved” series.
And this is a bitter one.
Ok, back to 2010. I can say that was arguably the best summer of my life.
I will start by saying I went to lots of places.
Not just I spent most of my time with my grandparents in Mirandela (A small city in the north of Portugal), as I also traveled to Cologne and at the end of the vacations to Los Angeles.
Cologne was awesome, not just for being a beautiful city but because I also went to GamesCom.
In case if you don’t know what it is, GamesCom is an anual videogame convention in Cologne. It is the biggest one in Europe and also, for what I know, the world’s second biggest only after E3. So yes, it’s pretty much the dream of any gamer, with tons of pavilions with the most variate videogames. I think, every company (Activision, EA, Rockstar, Konami, Lucasarts, K2, just to name a new) had at least one stander there. Per game.
And of course the place was full of otakus in cosplays and obese nerds fighting each other for their favourite consoles.
Plus, I mainly went there because my father (And my aunt, who also works with him, and my uncle and a friend of my father who also went along) works on a video game distribution company and therefore he had some business to take care of there. Which means that I didn’t just had the whole days the convention was there to explore everything around by myself, as I also had a badge that allowed me to enter the “professional” area where all the programmers and devs from the biggest companies were.
And about LA… What can I say? Los Angeles is Los Angeles, with 1301 km2 of huge buildings, beaches, an impressive contrast between the “downtown” and the suburbs, tons of cultures, amazing places to visit (Santa Monica’s pier, the Universal and Warner Studios and the Griffith Observatory are my faves)… Well, arguably one of the best cities in the world. That was the second time I’ve been there (The first one being in 2009 to watch the Transformers 2 premiere) and I still loved it.
From the things I did there, I mostly sublime going to the Dodgers stadium to be part of Brad Pitt’s movie Moneyball.
That’s right! If you go see the movie, I am one of those million persons sited in the stadium! And yes, I saw Brad Pitt and the crew filming it. A unique experience, I must add.
Besides travelling, I’ve also met new people in Mirandela (Mostly my cousin’s friends), completed my collection of Grand Theft Auto games (IMHO, best video game franchise ever!) and started my airsoft guns collection.
Overall, awesome vacations.
And the best? Since my LA vacations lasted a bit more than I thought they would (Nearly 2 weeks), I skipped my first week of school!
That’s right. While my classmates were learning and studying, I was having fun in Los Angeles. And if that wasn’t enough, when I came back to Portugal on friday…
… I had the “luck” to stumble on the sidewalk near my house and ended up contracting my feet muscles.
Hell yeah, one more week of NOT going to school! Of course, to compensate that I had to spend all that time at home suffering from awful pain in my feet during the first three days and walking around all that week in crutches. But well, I guess that’s just a little sacrifice to compensate not going to school, right?
Plus, I still spoke with most of my friends and schoolmates on MSN.
In fact, thanks to Facebook, the “official” story on how I broke my leg was something like this:
I was riding in my motorbike ‘round LA (Girls love guys who ride motorbikes! I mean, even although I can’t even ride a normal bike…), when for some reason my brakes got broken and I crashed into a Mexican street and broke my leg.
Breaking a leg is more dramatic and macho than just “contracting feet muscles”.
Of course, as usual, some rude Mexican gangsters who were hanging out on the Taco Bell on the other side of the street didn’t like me entering their territory and came to me with baseball bats ready to beat the living crap out of me.
Eventually, I won the fight, even with my leg “broken”. And that was it.
What? Don’t you think it sounds a realistic cover-up to my stumble in the sidewalk?
(PS - Just to make it clear if this one sounded too racist, it was just a joke, okay?! I don’t have anything against Mexicans. Of course, except if you live illegally in the LA suburbs and walk around with baseball bats)
Either way, after that second week of recovery I had no choice but to come back to school. And well… Like always, the class was nearly the same, only a few more people got out and another few got in.
From the new ones that got in, two of them should be sublimed: Ricardo Mimoso (Simply called “Mimoso” by us) and Eunice.
Mimoso was a 16 year old dude - Which means yes, he failed some years - Addicted on online games and who quickly got to the top of the class as the “cool guy”, mostly becase of how hard he “pwnd” at Crossfire.
For those who don’t know, Crossfire is an awesome online free MMOFPS developed by the Chinese company SmileGate and brought to the general public (Since the original Chinese one is just way too laggy to be played outside China) in it’s american version by Z8 Games. During the 8th and 9th grade, me and my classmates used to be extremely addicted on that game. Nowadays… Well, nowadays they stopped playing and I think the last time I played it was around September or October from the last year. At lest I’ve got a good arsenal of weapons on my account, including a silver AK-47 and a “M4A1 Custom”…
Ahhhh… I kinda miss that game. Brb, I’m just going to play a quick Team Deathmatch to keep the taste of those old times alive and inspire me to write the rest.
… Done. 15 kills/11 deaths on Fortress, with SCAR-Light and P228. Not exactly a bad score (In fact, I think it’s good, given the fact that I haven’t played it since the last year), but then again, if Mimoso was here he’d laugh at that.
Anyways, seemingly due to the fact that he was a great Crossfire player, I was surprised on how in those two weeks I was absent he was able to become THE BOSS. It seemed like that in a certain way almost every of my classmates respected and idolized him.
Eunice was a… Well, young Brazilian girl (I think she was 14 at the time, the same age as me) but who still seemed much older than she actually was. Not just was she tall, as she also had a perfect body and face, with a long blonde hair and good “attributes”.
In layman’s terms, well defined boobs and a nice ass.
And she seemed to be a bit different from other girls.
Starting out by the fact that she preferred to hang out with us, guys, instead of hanging out with the other girls.
Seems like she preferred our conversations about video games, sex and women rather than spending time with girls and their conversations (According to a friend of mine) about criticizing other girls.
Rare, indeed, but not really something impressive.
Now, before I continue to speak about her, I’d like to mention that even more stuff happened after I came back to school. First of all, two weeks after I came back to school, my parents made me another surprise. Not just one more week free from school, but also spending that week…
… In New York!
I must admit I felt in love with the Big Apple on that trip. Indeed, a beautiful place. Unlike LA, with some tall buildings all stacked up near the mountains and surrounded by suburbs, here the entire Manhattan is a huge and beautiful skyline.
Sometimes I wonder how it must have been with two huge towers standing over that massive skyline. Sadly, for now the only thing we have left are pictures.
Oh, and yes, I did lots of things in the Big Apple, like shopping tons of Transformers in Times Square Toys ‘R Us, going to the top of the Empire State Building (Not as awesome as going to the top of the Eiffel Tower, but it’s still worth it) and the most awesome thing…
I saw Roger Waters performing The Wall. Live. On Nassau Coliseum. Twice.
And on the second day, my dad took me backstage where I met Snowy White.
I know, I am indeed one lucky motherf***er! At least when it comes to what I get, see and meet!
A childhood dream came true. I remember watching the 1990 Live in Berlin show on DVD dozens of times when I was younger, wondering “Man, will something as awesome as this ever be done again?” - And it has been. And the most impressive, Waters is still on tour around the world. And I’m still planning on seeing it, at least, once more.
And those weren’t the only “extra vacations” I had that year. A few weeks later, I also had ANOTHER week away from school where I went to Mirandela with my parents, which could have been great…
… If the reason why I went there wasn’t for my grandmother’s sudden death.
I just know she went way too soon.
I still miss her a lot nowadays. I’m pretty sure that if she was still here she would have some good advice to give me in this stupid age. But either way, it isn’t something I’m always crying about.
Why? Because I loved my grandmother… And for that reason, I’m pretty sure that, wherever she is, she doesn’t want me to sit down and keep eternally crying for her departure.
Since then, I don’t know if it was part of the evident depression my grandmother’s death caused me or if it was just part of my huge absence from school, but I suddenly felt excluded from the rest of my friends.
No, I didn’t just felt it. I know it was true. And I can state that started even before I went to New York.
It seems like most of my classmates - And even friends - Had a certain tendency to mock on me.
“Hey Henri, what’s your favorite character on Transformers?”
“Optimus Prime, for sure!”
“Wait a minute, you’re saying your favorite character isn’t Megan Fox? That’s so gay!”
Suddenly, the “chatting group” we were in was all laughing at me and calling me gay because I preferred a 10-ton wise robot that turns into a truck to Megan Fox’s annoying character in the Michael Bay movies.
Maybe if he asked “What’s the hottest character in Transformers?” or “What character would you f*ck in Transformers?” the answer would have been different.
Slowly, every time we were hanging around the school in groups, the conversation would soon or later turn into someone calling me a “n00b” in Crossfire or mocking me for having liked Claudia.
Or calling me a homosapien. At least, that was my surname during the rest of 2010.
I can’t say I was exactly getting lonelier…
… But I can state I started to feel surrounded by idiots.
It seemed like everyone around me was charged with the duty to insult or mock me.
And surprisingly, most of that mocking came from Mimoso. He seemed to be the one that in a conversation would always come up with how hard I was “pwnd” in yesterday’s game or with some other random insult.
I became a “target for faraway laughter”.
For a moment, it seemed like everyone in the class hated me.
Or well, at least almost everyone.
Curiously, Eunice seemed to be the exception. No, she wasn’t some kind of adorable person, who’d always compliment me everyday with a kiss on the cheek, but she respected me and sometimes got into conversations with me.
Quoting Roberto De Niro in Taxi Driver: She appeared like an angel out of this filthy mess.
An amazing movie, by the way. Is it wrong that, even although I’m so young, I can relate to Travis feelings sometimes?
Time passed, while things stayed the same. After some, I believe, well spent Christmas vacations, I obviously went back to school.
I was still generally mocked by my classmates. Of course, sometimes I would just get so pissed with their jokes about me that I would simply scream a “JUST F___ING STOP!” and they would end up respecting me… And a day or less, it would all come back to normal.
That was when I made a better decision: To simply stop hanging out with my “friends”, or at lest not so often. Since the beginning of that year, I ended up spending most of my time during the school breaks alone.
It was during those times that I started to feel it for Eunice.
It started with small things, for example, one day we were assigned the same computer in our project developing class and we ended up laughing together at some dumb Brazilian videos she found (And who I also knew).
I think she caused me an impression that day mostly because, if I barley spoke to girls on that school, or well, at least without being accused of something, laughing together with a girl was kinda of an accomplishment for me.
A few days later, I was driving around town near school with my dad. I remember we were discussing something about video games and opening a iPhone game apps studio, when suddenly I saw Eunice on the sidewalk.
That was the first time I noticed on how beautiful she was.
I stared at her for a while, until she noticed me… And we exchanged some quick eye contact for a few seconds, until the car drove away.
And that was when I felt for her.
At first, I wasn’t worried when I noticed that feeling.
In fact, I actually felt slightly confident.. Who knows, maybe I would be able to conquer her heart?
Indeed, how ingenuous from me.
But yes, I felt like I could take it. As if I could conquer arguably one of the prettiest, nicest and hottest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. And everything I thought I need was a bit of time to engage more conversations with her and then choosing the right moment to tell her.
Sounds easy, right?
Well, there was only a “small” setback…
… Exactly, a few days before I could initiate Operation Echo Sierra (Seriously, if it was a military operation that would be the “official” name according to Eunice’s initials and to NATO’s phonetic alphabet), on that bloody Monday. When I first noticed the sight of Eunice and Mimoso hugged while sitting along next to my other classmates and friends.
Yes, I didn’t had time to make a move on her. Not even to slightly get closer.
As if God himself (Or Buda, or Allah, or in whoever you believe) was an awful troll who just wanted to watch me failing.
Fate. I will simply blame fate. I mean, I don’t believe in it, but at least it’s something to blame.
Maybe that’s what fate is for? “Someone” used to be accused when crap happens in our lives?
Makes sense to me.
Either way, it’s the same old typical story: I would end up everyday running into (Or at least noticing) Eunice and Mimoso loving the crap out of each other during the school breaks. Blah blah blah, so many feels, gotta say them, even if indirectly.
That’s when I began Operation Young Lust.
It was an “online operation” with the name obviously taken from the Pink Floyd song of the same name. It involved me and my friend Miguel, from Brasil.
Miguel (Even if we’re only “internet buddies”) is arguably a better friend than most persons I’ve met IRL and he agreed with me performing a “tatical strike” on Eunice to, at least, let her know and see how her attitudes would do.
The objective was simple… Having a long conversation in MSN with him about Eunice, unburdening about how much I loved her, and then sending the conversation to her e-mail!
Yes, that was it! Smart plan, amirite?! Ain’t it so smart?! Huh?!
… Of course, it would be Miguel who would send the conversation, and he would obviously pretend it was “leaked”, like if we was sending it without my knowledge and asking for her not to tell me anything about it.
How did it went?
I guess that, just by the fact of Claudia (Who’s been on our class since the 7th year) having sited next to Eunice during the computer lessons on the day after… I think the photo above shows how she nearly ruined it. And yes, that was on public, while I was passing by the rest of my classmates while they were all “chillin’” together next to the school canteen.
And yes, Eunice and Mimoso were there.
Thankfully, she just stated that I liked Eunice, without giving any evidence.
Thankfully, my bro Daniel saved the day, coming down hard on Claudia and making everyone believe it was all nothing more than another try of mocking with me.
I don’t know why he defended me, seriously. Maybe he knew it somehow?
Only one thing was evident: Eunice - And Claudia who, like I said, was next to her on the class - Saw and read the e-mail. That’s what I knew at the time.
So, I already knew that they already knew. Yet, I had to pretend I didn’t knew anything of what they knew. And they had to pretend they didn’t knew that Miguel sent her a message, even although I knew about everything without telling them.
I knew they were hiding that from me and I knew they didn’t knew I knew. Or at least that’s what I thought I knew.
Indeed, it’s almost a paradox.
I kept making some more conversations and he kept sending them to her - Of course, pretending to be suspicious about himself in our conversations, since he seemed to be the only one who knew it and I obviously had to pretend in the conversations that I didn’t knew he did it - All of them with the solo purpose to see if… Well, if something would change.
Seems meaningless… And you know what?
It did change something.
It made her, a few days before the Carnival vacations, ask “the question” to me on MSN.
Her PC seemed to suck anyways, she would often go offline from one second to another and only come back on the day after.
But yes… We had that conversation. Well, it was actually a bit longer, that one above is a slightly abridged translation, but it was something like that.
And for some reason, it got my hopes up.
… Come on, she was being nice to me! It seemed like she, at least, took it well! Everything was gonna get better now, right? RIIIGHT?
Well, guess what… The next weeks after that conversation with her, were totally cold between us. Both online and IRL.
We ended up never speaking to each other for a long time since then. She didn’t appeared online any more and we were never “together” for a moment after that. I even tried to stay within my classmates group instead of just walking around like a zombie, even knowing how that exposed me to possible jokes and mocking… And we still didn’t had any contact.
Then, the war came.
Yes, the war.
Well, ok… Not actually a “real” war. It was just an invite for our class (And some others) to go in March to a nature reserve with organized activities, mainly laser tag.
But when I say laser tag, I’m not referring to the typical childish ultra colorful laser tag gun wars sets that you see on sale in Toys’R Us… This one was the real manly deal, with heavy-ass guns, huge teams… And of course, since it was in a natural reserve, obviously in the middle of the forest.
Not as manly as airsoft of paintball, but it still sounded fun.
I quickly left my antisocial spirit apart and started to reunite with some classmates to get ready for the “war”. We made some tactics and got a team ready which included mainly me (Duh!), Daniel, Mimoso… And Eunice.
I even bought the day before a camouflage t-shirt and a camo hat (Which became kinda useless since I had to take it off to put another one with tag sensors for the battle) for the ocasion.
But the most important, I had an idea.
I decided to dedicate some time to write down… A “little” something for Eunice.
I felt like I had to express my absurd feelings for her more than in simple pre-planned conversations who’d be later sent to her. And what’s the best way to do that? Of course, by writing a huge 10 page text (Or a bit less, I don’t remember exactly) to her!
And I’ve written it all down. And, according to the people who read it, it was awesome.
I don’t think so. I thought it was absurdly lame. It was just a bunch of pages of me bitching about life and unburdening all that I felt for her and why.
Either way, after writing it all down furiously in one afternoon I had to obviously give it to her the next day. And I kinda had all the plan formed in my mind like this:
Of course, in reality, it actually went something like this:
Indeed, I was a coward. I didn’t had the guts to simply tap her in the shoulder and say “Hey, take this, read it alone and in private”.
Worse, the battle totally sucked. In fact, as far as I hate to say it, I mostly think it was because of my team. No, not Mimoso, Daniel, Eunice and etc, we just had the “luck” to be attached to another team with awful elements. Maybe if the game was “first team to tag all the other enemies” we would have won, me and my “original squad” were actually making a good resistance… Sadly, what counted was how many from each team stayed alive.
Maybe if there wasn’t a time limit, or at least if it wasn’t that short…
And while most of our squad survived most rounds, the other squadron who formed the rest of our team was all tagged. Therefore, we were heavily penalized by that and from the four teams formed, we were the worse ones!
I think I did some good kills though, but what counts the most here, I believe, is team work. And of course, like we did, it’s easy to control and keep up with a squad of 4 or 5 elements… Sadly, the other squad was all unorganized by themselves, each of them going without any tactics and being tagged a few seconds after the beginning.
It was a defeat. And the worst thing is, I didn’t gave her the note. Well, not that day.
The original one, who stayed in my pocket during the whole battle, was all dirty and creased, therefore I printed a new one and kept it on my school dossier. And guess what, I had to give it to her. By myself.
Of course, there was a vast number of “problems” to be solved first so I could reach her.
Mainly making it get to her without Mimoso being around.
The laser tag battle was obviously the best chance for that since they weren’t “sticked” to each other during our time there as usual. In fact, she spent many moments alone there.
And I still ended up not having the courage.
I know, I suck.
And now it was going to be even worse to find a moment when she was alone so I could give it to her.
Thankfully, there was still Daniel.
So yes, I “discretely” gave him a note like that during the class. Since he was in better terms with her and could easily speak to her in-between classes, it was my best shot: I would go to the library with the text, wait for Daniel to do his thing and then, when Eunice arrived, I would give her the text.
At least if she came to me I wouldn’t have much of a chance to fail.
And so it happened. Quickly short after the class was over, she showed up in the library and found me sitting on the sofa next to the entrance.
I had to be quick.
… Or something like that. I mostly recall her “WTF face” while receiving the text.
But I gave it to her, at least.
A bit later after she walked away, I went to the windows on the library who had windows turned to the whole school “playground”.
Well, not really a playground. More like simply the exterior, when we would walk around between classes. I will simply call it the “sidewalk”. And that was when I saw Daniel and Mimoso walking together, and seemingly discussing some important stuff.
No, I didn’t heard what they were speaking, mostly because the library is on the first floor and the sidewalk was obviously on the ground floor, and they were also somewhat slightly far away.
After they passed by, I somehow thought they were looking for me. Of one thing I was sure, Daniel had exposed everything to Mimoso.
Well, he just had lost 3 farms in Crossfire.
I wasn’t afraid of them, but I wasn’t also willing to speak much either. So, since the library was a “hot spot”, I left it after a few minutes.
I went to the exit and walked down the corridor to go down the staircase, but…
I like to use no swear around here and keep a clean language, as I mostly write “sh*t” or “f*ck”, but this time deserves an exception for me to express exactly as I felt on that moment:
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
Whatever they wanted, it seemed serious. I just knew it was going to be a bad talk.
We walked up the staircase again and went next to our classroom. And then, they started to bombard me with questions.
“Do you love Eunice that much? Don’t you like any other girl in our class? Or any other in our school? Don’t you want me to introduce you to someone?”
Most of the answers to the various questions they made me were “NO”. “Noes” and “Yeses” were pretty much the only think I said.
And then we went for a walk, while I heard them telling me about how it was “normal” for someone to like Eunice and how it would all pass. They even told me that Felipe, a friend of mine, also liked her once, and a few weeks later he stopped with it.
It seemed like if they were doctors shoving down my throat the idea that my love was a disease. A tumor.
And I just needed a new distraction, or a medication, or something. As if I had to forget her.
But you may feel a little sick.
I guess they were just wanted me to never get close to her.
At that time, I wondered if Eunice even still had the note. Maybe during the time I was in the library, Mimoso would have seen it and ripped it off her hands? I wasn’t interested in asking about it, either way. There was still the small chance that Mimoso didn’t knew about the note.
Speaking to me was like speaking to a wall. I would just listen and try to pretend to accept the “facts” they would present me.
I knew it was impossible to get her love.
Still, did I had to stop loving?
Were they supposed to control my feelings?
They kept trying to convince me with “soft words” to forget Eunice until the bell ringed. We went back to the classes (The last ones that day).
Then, that night, on Team Speak 3 (A software we mostly used to speak with each other by headset in Crossfire, who also supports text chatting), something happened.
Daniel said Mimoso wanted to chat with me on TS3 and there I went. And it was something like this:
He basically bitched about his whole life. Pretty much what I do around here, only with less drawings and with more drama.
But in the end, he accomplished what he wanted: To make me think we has a tough-ass motherf’er and making me sympathizing with him… And becoming his friend, at least for a while.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closed. I’m pretty sure that was what he was thinking, and what I made him believe he accomplished.
Of course that, later on, I found out some certain “incompatibilities” in his tough life… But I will mention those later, if I can.
It was curiously a few days after that when I got myself a new addiction: My MP3. Since then, I barley spoke with my friends. I would spend most of my time, even if sitting next to them, on the corner with my earphones listening to whatever I wanted.
I prefer to be alone and isolated listening to ALL the Floyd studio albums for the 1000’th time rather than socializing with idiots and being mocked. Even if, since that conversation, Daniel and Mimoso had compromised themselves to stop joking around with me once and for all (And at least they stopped). Just being next to Eunice and Mimoso, watching them “dissolving” in each other was already a big pain in the ass.
Later on, it was March.
And a new “chance” came by.
My dad spoke to me and…
Indeed, he was pretty much suggesting me to invite Eunice.
He even said to me later that, if I didn’t took Eunice, he wouldn’t let me take anyone else. The ticket was only for Eunice. And, of course, to anyone else my dad remembered if Eunice didn’t go.
How my dad knew about her, I have no idea. I only mentioned her once in front of my parents during a conversation about the laser-tag battle, calling her “by far the best girl on the team”, and none of them seemed to think that meant I liked her.
Maybe he read my saved conversations with Miguel about her in my computer? Or worse, he may have found the original note in my room?
Either way, I slightly hesitated first. I obviously warned him she had a boyfriend, but my dad was all like “So what? The Americans didn’t stop invading Iraq and taking their petroleum just because Saddam was there…”
A genius justification, I must say.
So yes, I “shat” on Mimoso and asked Daniel for Eunice’s mobile phone number. Daniel hesitated a bit first, but I said that it was all because, wherever Mimoso liked it or not, Eunice and I were still “friends” and I wanted to speak to her. As a friend.
He eventually gave me her number and I kept it on my mobile phone. I was thinking on “texting” the invite to her, but since that, according to Dani, she didn’t had money on her mobile card, I thought about calling her later instead of sending a SMS.
And how was the first call? Well, I was next to my father, when he remembered me about calling her and suggested me to do it on that moment. And I thought, “Why not”? And I called her.
It only sucked that neither me or my father noticed it was 1 A.M.
And when we noticed that, she had already answered the phone.
I was a bit pissed with my father for even suggesting me that, but okay, it wasn’t serious. All I had to do was speak to her, explain her about the call and tell her what I wanted.
And so I did. On the next day (The day before the show) I sent her an SMS.
And so, a few hours later that day, I called her, while I was playing Grand Theft Auto IV.
I knew it was going to be a quick and slightly frustrating conversation, so I had to keep with me a “peaceful” game.
Later, my father asked me how did it went, and I eventually said him her parents wouldn’t allow her to go.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t even asked. In fact, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even cared or bothered with it.
So, that was it, right? She said “NO”, the best thing I could do is see my father giving the ticket to someone else and enjoy the show without her on the next day, right?
I wasn’t planning on insisting. I know that it would be worse if I tried too hard.
But my father thought it would be a good idea to keep insisting.
So he wrote by himself a message to her. It was slightly longer than mine and I don’t remember it exactly for me to abridge it here, but it mostly said that we were all a family who didn’t consume alcohol and food and transportation was on us and bla bla bla, all that typical stuff to ensure her and her parents we weren’t a bunch of pedophiles who would take her in a van and rape her on the next corner.
I tried to call her a few more times that night (Well, obviously before midnight). She didn’t answer, though. Therefore, she probably went to bed sooner, I think.
So I decided to speak personally with her on the next day.
Or at least I thought I would. But no, she spent all the time with Mimoso. I obviously couldn’t approach her.
I marked the “operation” as a failure and went home a bit disappointed by the fact I didn’t had the chance to speak with her. And I was only a few hours away from the show and I would soon be going to Lisbon with my parents to see it, so it seemed to be nothing left to do.
Of course, my father, who doesn’t accept failure, made me give one last shot and told me to call her one last time.
An awful idea.
She… Yelled at me.
I must admit I shed a manly tear on the moment she turned off the phone.
Well, it’s better to shed a manly and discrete tear for a girl rather than turning my pillow into a soap for one.
After cleaning the little tear, I went into my father’s office and I still remember exactly what I told him:
“Parents without culture…”
And I remember my father, apparently without noticing my slight sadness on the moment, saying:
“Eh, don’t worry, you will have many other chances!”
That was when I thought it would be a good idea to end this madness there. I felt as if any chance I had with her was over, I mean… She yelled at me… I don’t remember of a girl yelling at me before, at least other than my mother.
Maybe I should have just stopped liking her?
Crap got worse when I came to Team Speak just to chat a bit with some of my classmates and clan buddies before I left for the show… And Daniel showed up, seemingly furious, warning me to back the “f” up from Eunice and that, because of me, Mimoso was now thinking on breaking up with her.
According to Daniel, he was about to send an extremely emo SMS to her crying about how perfect she was and how much he sucked and how I would be “a better boyfriend for her”.
It was pretty obvious that couldn’t be good to me. If he broke up with her that way, she would evidently want to come back to him in the next second and immediately acquire a bigger hate against me, given that I would be seen as the one who “caused” it.
I later finally went to the show with my parents, my maternal grandmother and another friend of my father who he gave the ticket. And I went somewhat disturbed, thinking that tomorrow I would be the most hated person in the class for “hurting” Mimoso.
I remember thinking while watching the show:
“If tomorrow I’m going to be judged beyond my classmates, loose all my dignity and become a stranger once again… At least I’m glad I had enough time to watch this masterpiece once again.”
And on the next day (When I was also going to see the show later on the second day - Yes, again, this time with my cousin), guess what…
It had just been a lame attempt of Mimoso to get people worried with him and making Dani and me believe he was going to end it with Eunice.
Oh, poor thing!
Still, of course he revealed himself quite pissed with what I did. Eunice obviously told him and sent Claudia, who had became somewhat of a friend to him, to come and speak to me as a “messenger”, telling me about how disgraceful my attitude was.
The worst is, I still evidently liked Eunice. Even if I wanted to pretend I didn’t, I still did. So, I had no other choice…
… Other than accept defeat.
OK, I didn’t took a bow in front of him and said it like that, but after a few conversations in Team Speak and MSN, I made it clear I was going to stop trying anything with Eunice. After all of what happened, her bounds with Mimoso were practically indestructible and she felt in hate towards me. We didn’t had one last single conversation since that phone call.
I would carry on with her mad with me and with Mimoso as a friend.
There was no use on trying anything now.
I just turned my back to them. And quitted.
… Did I?
Of course not. I was still crazy. And I still had a real need.
I only had to move in silently, down wind and out of sight…
And I had to be trusted by the people I lied to.
So that when they turn their backs on me…
… I’d get the chance to put the knife in!
Now shut up for the awesome solo. If you are a real Pink Floyd fan you’re already probably playing it in your mind right now. If you’re not then screw it.
So yes, I obviously had plans. To keep being a friend to Mimoso, and discretely use the “sausage maneuver” on him, to get him out of the game and get Eunice.
It was like if I was still resisting.
But then, a problem came.
The worst of all.
Rumors showed up… And, one or two months before the end of the classes, Eunice declared that, after that year, she would go live somewhere else.
For what I heard, Mimoso attempted suicide when he knew about it. And we was heroically stopped by Daniel… On Team Speak. Yes, Daniel stopped Mimoso from committing suicide on TS.
Sorry guys, but I will have to use an “imported drawing” here instead of one made by myself:
Ahhh, the classic “Are-you-kidding-me-guy”.
But yes, of course he attempted suicide and was stopped by his friend on TS. In fact, for what I’ve heard, he claimed to attempt hanging on himself.
That’s what I would do if I was living in a world of pain: I would hang myself… While speaking to my friends in Team Speak.
Of course that, once again, the poor disturbed boy received all the attention in the class.
I don’t care if you defend him and do believe he actually tried to commit suicide. Yes, the reason was valid (Even although it was confirmed a few days later it was a mistake and she was going to keep living there), but I think I knew what he wanted all the time: Attention.
How did it end?
Well, I don’t know much. I only know that it ended a few days after the summer vacations begun, with him cheating on her.
He seemingly came back in serious contact with an ex (Wait, but didn’t everyone hated him?), Eunice got pissed with him and broke it up. And they both followed their own paths.
At least Mimoso was done.
Yet, I don’t hate him. Yes, he was a douche in that school, but now there’s no use on ditching on him (Well, even although I already did), mostly beucase I won nothing.
The only contact I have with Eunice now is through words on my screen. I didn’t ever saw her again after school ended, we only speak one time or another in MSN.
And even although she seemed to end up agreeing with me on the fact Mimoso was an asshole… And she lately seemed to be okay with me… She still doesn’t love me.
I don’t blame her, though.
We’re free to do what we want. And if she doesn’t love me… I am no one to change her mind. She has all the right to see me as a friend only. At least my obsession with her ended.
Why? Quoting Roberto De Niro once again… I realize now how much she’s just like the others.
Of course, if she one day asked me to go out and have a coffe… I wouldn’t deny it. But sadly it isn’t a priority.
Alright, I’ve been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! GET MAD! I don’t want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am?! I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I’m going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!!! — Cave Jonhson, Portal 2
Almost worth a quick grin…
Anyways, awesome songs apart, like I promised, I will use the next posts to speak about some other girls with who I was also… Infatuated.
I know, it’s a boring subject, but like I said on my first post, with this lame section I am looking foward to be useful to people who also passed or are passing through the same expiriences. As far as I’m weird, I’m pretty sure someone out there can relate to what I write and post.
And while my “love tales condemned to bad endings” may have no interest for some, they maybe helpful to others. If that applies to you or not… Then well, you’re the one to judge that. No one’s forcing you to read this anyways.
So, let’s get to it! And I’m starting this section with one of my most important passions in my life. Arguably the one who started it all.
No, not airplanes.
I meant the first girl, who introduced me to platonic love.
So yes, in other words, this post is about the first time I was actually in love with someone. It all started near the end of 2008, when the 7th grade was beginning.
That was me on the 7th grade. A little bit “shorter”, with less “beer belly” (Another expression that I’m not sure if it’s used in English) and wihout nearly any facial hair. Ahhh, good times when I didn’t need to shave them at least three times a week…
But well, mostly important, I was obsessed with Transformers (Just to point it out in case if someone missed the poorly drawn Autobot insignia on my t-shirt).
That’s right, “just” obsessed. Not really a Transformers fan, which is what I believe I am right now. I had only watched the 2007 Michael Bay movie and had a “few dozens” of Transformers stocked in baskets.
Yes, I didn’t even had a shelf for them. Unlike now, where 3 of the 4 walls in my bedroom are occupied with shelfs full of Transformers from the original cartoon to the most recent “Bayformers”. Around 300 Transformers, I believe. I kinda lost the count since the second movie.
In fact, just to make it clear, my room is full of “toys”. Not just the Transformers overlooking everywhere on the shelfs, but I also have some Star Wars ships and Back To The Future Deloreans over the shelf where my TV is, and on that same shelf, under the TV, I’ve got my “air force” of plane replicas down there. I don’t have as many planes as Transformers, but I guess we can say I have “enough”. Plus, I have plans to build a gun wall for my airsoft guns and an N-scale train layout, as I also want to get some space for my boxed LEGO’s.
Indeed, I do have a ridiculously nerdy room. You’ve been warned, girls!
Either way, that was all just to say that back in late ‘08 (Sounds like if it was decades ago…) I didn’t knew that much about Transformers, neither did I had a huge collection or had watched much more than the 2007 movie and a few Animated episodes.
Yet, I was still obsessed with those robots, even without knowing much about them.
Giant steel creatures who turn into vehicles and beasts… An amazing concept, I think.
Oh yeah, back into the story.
I’ve been on the same secondary school since the 5th grade (I only had to go to my “new fancy school” after the 9th), and I can fairly say I made some good friends there. Not many, but I prefer to have a small amount of good friends than befriend a bunch of A-holes.
Even better, our class has barley changed throughout time. At least some of my closest friends at the time, Daniel and David (Inaccurately drawn above) have been with me all that half decade in that damn school.
There was some new people in the class that year, though. One of them was Filipe, who also became a relatively good friend of mine.
But the most important was a girl.
A young and, at least at the time, pretty girl.
Her name was Claudia.
Coincidentally, the teacher, while choosing our definite places in the classroom, made me sit in her table. And then, I have no idea how I did that, but we started to have a conversation.
That’s strange. It seems like I wasn’t that socially awkward back then. At least I was able to pull off a conversation with a cute girl…
I don’t remember anything of what we spoke about. I just remember we were both enjoying it. Indeed, most things I did during classes were a total blank. I just remember we both became, let’s say, closer friends since that day. We would often speak to each other during breaks (Or when the teacher wasn’t looking during classes).
And then I started to feel “that”. For the first time. It was weird.
On the first week, some of my friends had already deduced my feelings for her, even although I didn’t said anything to no one. It became pretty obvious, and I ended up admitting it a few days later.
On the second week, one of my friends told her. Sh*t just got real.
She immediately came to me asking if it was true and I had no choice but to declare it was.
Before she could say something, we were interrupted by the bell ringing. She said to me we would speak in the next break after the class and that she would have “serious questions” for me.
For some reason, we ended up not speaking on that break. In fact, we ended up not actually speaking with each other for a long time.
Seems like that, after the day when I was forced to say I like her, we kinda stopped being friends.
Yet, I still think she kinda liked me. At least during that time.
I remember that once, while we were finishing our English class and we were just sitting on the last line waiting for the bell to ring, she adorably leaned her head over my shoulder and stayed there, silent, for a few minutes.
It felt… I don’t remember how if felt like.
In fact, I am surprised by how blank my memory is while I write this. I know she was important for me to understand a small misconception of what love is, yet it kinda seems like my brain is making an effort to forget her. And not in a “I will miss her so much that I better forget her” way.
All my memories feel so cold.
… It was the last day of school in 2008 - AKA, the last day before the Christmas vacations - And I was surprised by Rafaela and Cintya calling me for something.
Who were they? Rafaela… Eh, I wouldn’t call her exactly a friend, but she was nice, either way. She was one of my classmates, and arguably one of the cutest girls in the class. Yet, also arguably one of the biggest attention whores. I’m not sure of what to think - Or remember - About her…
Cintya, otherwise, was an ignorant, dumb, annoying bitch. I’ve never seen a girl so full or herself like Cintya. The way how she treated me and some of my friends disgusts me. Well, at least I’m glad I will most likely never see her again.
Either way, they were both close friends with Claudia and “took me” (More like “escorted me”) to her, who has behind the school gym.
With my friend Daniel.
That’s when I realized what was going on: I was only sent there to have it all rubbed on my face. To be judged for falling in love with someone.
Exactly, they were trying to make Daniel and Claudia kiss in front of me just to make me pissed. Maybe not with such a frequent use of the “F” word, but I plainly remember being called a retard and hearing the term “Sh*t on Henri!”.
Nothing happened, either way. Daniel got pissed (For some reason, he kinda hated Claudia) and just got the hell out of there. But I was still mad, anyways.
By how I was being judged for having feelings for a girl and by how they wanted to rub how much I suck in my face.
I think that was the first time I actually hated myself somehow. And that I felt on hate against Claudia, too. From that day, I mostly recall going into Christmas vacations depressed - And quickly forgetting it the day after.
Thankfully, I ended up opening my eyes and realizing how ugly she actually was.
What such a disgusting pig. Both on the outside and on the inside. I’m glad she’s gone out of my sight for now - Even if we had to be in the same class until the 9th grade.
So yes, that was my first passion. Indeed, not a very pretty one. Still, at least it gave me a glimpse of the things to come. And of what that thing called “love” was about to do in the next years, with other girls, of course.
That’s what I will talk about on my next post.
Until they become conscious they will never rebel and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious. — From Winston’s diary in George Orwell’s 1984
I have some crap to blab about the future of this Tumblr, but first, back on yesterday’s Momentary lapse of reason.
Concluding the “feels journey” from yesterday (I think I will call it Operation Wild Storm, only because it sounds cool), I sent her the link to the post through Facebook and the result was something like this:
And then, the conversation went on from feels to school and homeworks. Eventually, a few minutes later, she had to go to bed… And that was pretty much it.
Either way, I feel glad for that short conversation. Even if it was just something around 15 minutes, it was enough for me to… Well, at least know she now knows. And also, to know she also understands it and is fine with it.
Dunno… Maybe behind all that friendly chat we had she was just trying to push me into the friend zone? Well, makes sense she would be doing it, since she has a boyfriend. I don’t blame her, either way. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m even a friend to her… I mean, she is arguably one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met, yet that isn’t hard either.
Anyways, romantism and lame teenager dramas apart, today was my last day of classes! YAY! Or well, at least it was the last week day for a “5-day weekend”, as I like to call it. Not exactly vacations, but they’re good enough to sorta put my mind in order away from school, feels and all that crap.
The school day ended before lunch time, with our first paired dance lesson in physical education.
You know, that awkward moment when the teacher says you’ve got to form pairs… I dunno why, but I had good expectations about it - Even although I hate dance classes, mostly because I absolutely suck at them.
And I thought this one would be different from my usual failures… Maybe something like this…
That would be the perfect dance. With the girl of my dreams, everything going smoothy and listening to The Doors “Light My Fire”…
But reality is a bit different from that.
Ok, the songs weren’t that awful this time, at least one of them was Smoosh (By Carlos Santana). A good song, at least. Still, it was only played once, when we were practising solo before being paired.
Anyways, paired with a random classmate, making both of us confused with the awful music blasting in our ears… I think it’s nedless to say it was an awful experience.
Not that I would prefere to dance with Inês either way. That Light my Fire thing would only actually work if I was a good dancer. And I wouldn’t want to embarass her.
I guess the important is, during the dance, I thought about something.
Is it fair to expose dancing this way? As an “exercise”?
Isn’t dancing an art form, used to express feelings and artistic boundaries through our body?
Is it an art form or a physical education exercise?
Because it seems like the teachers are taking away what’s special about it. And that is, I belive, the creativity of dancing. The will of wanting to dance, of making our way through the steps. It doesn’t matter if you’re the steering wheel (Is that the correct expression used in English?) or if you’re just going along, there is a certain unique soul to dance.
I’m not a big fan of dancing. Not just because I suck at it, but also because I think it is boring. Yet, it’s just my opinion, and whetever I like it or not, dancing is an art.
And I think physical education lessons make dancing sound like an obligation, another odd in the middle of the curriculum.
I could go further and declare that dancing should be a mean of inspiration to help one distinguish from the others and have “that feel”…
Yet “this” dancing doesn’t seem to incentivate that. It feels rigid, as if it tries to turn everyone into robots. It doesn’t make you feel better, like I belive, it should. It makes you feel trapped, with your mind focused on doing it right instead of enjoying it.
It makes me feel less human.
Of course, that’s just what I think.
I am not that much against following the sequence the teacher gave us. I don’t think I could even make a good use of that creativity, since, like I said dozens of times before, I’m an awful dancer.
But I know there are others who could make it worthy.
Anyways the wind blows…
Changing the subject, my plans for what to write during this 5-day weekend are mostly the following:
- Speak about some other girls I’ve met in my short lifetime besides Inês. Yes, if in the last post I brought up the expression of how I was a “ragdoll” for some, why not write about it?
- Speak about the Asperger Syndrome. You’ll see why that is relevant, even if it may already sound obvious.
- And, I believe, the most intresting subject… MY MANUAL TO A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL!
I can’t promise all this, though. I will do my best to, at least, try…
Well, happy 5-day weekend for everyone, anyways!
Hello, dear readers.
Well, for my first “real” post (I don’t think my first one really counts, since it’s mostly an introduction to everything else) I will take this one to speak about my life.
And about feels you may also know… Bro.
Last year a new part of my life began. New school, same stuff. Listen to teachers, study, learn, make an effort, study and learn more, make a bigger effort, and get grades.
Oh, and socialize. Whetever I liked it or not, sooner or later I had to meet and speak with my classmates. One can’t just live isolated from the rest of the world. Yes, even if, like Orson Welles said, love and friendship are just illusions, socializing is an important part of my life to keep myself sane, at least for a moment. I do belive it is a positive illusion.
Something I was never very good at. But I will save that for another post.
Either way, I haven’t been making any real friends. I’m not sure if it is because of how I look or If I’m simply too much of a dumbass, but at least I know I can only blame myself for it.
I do belive one of the main causes must be because of how weird I look like to my classmates.
I just don’t seem to fit into any space in society. Ugly, socially awkard, cold (Well, at least when around acquaintances), distant and mostly drowned in my own dreams are just some of my problems.
Maybe that’s the reason why I love space so much. It seems to be the only place where I feel there’s “space” for me.
I could spend the rest of the post bitching about how much I suck, but that isn’t the reason that lead me to write this post, neither.
She is the reason.
Wow… The drawing ended up worse than I thought. Even for “Cyanide & Hapiness-like stick persons with heads and trunk” it is awful.
Anyways, her name is Inês. I remember the first time I met her… I didn’t felt in love with her or anything. In fact, I only saw her as “another brick in the wall”. Just part of the landscape, another distant person I would never really know.
Maybe another biatch who takes 200 pics of herself in front of the mirror making a duckface and posting to her Facebook, naming them with something like “OMG i is so silly <3 luvyo so many BFF diz pics is for you”.
I didn’t knew what she was exactly. I just thought she was no one special, and that sooner or later she would just fade away.
This is the moment when some guy obviously asks: “But dood, is she pretty or sumthin’?!”
Yes, she is gorgerous… On a very particular way.
A perfect face and body. A curly hair. And a smile who doesn’t get out of my mind.
But it wasn’t her exterior beauty what captured me. It was something else…
… And I guess that something else started during a Philosophy class. We were going to do a paired exercise, and since my “deskmate” wasn’t there and she was alone on a table next to mine, our teacher sent me to her table.
We both did the exercises the teacher assigned, without speaking much to each other. It was only when we finished and the lesson carried on, with us still on the same table, that I noticed a “new” (At least for me) trait in her: She was extremely participative.
Every time the teacher said something, she would “strike back” with another well-said argument. Whatever was the situation, she seemed to have the perfect answer, or at least a good question.
She is a brilliant student. Or well, at the very least, she knows what she’s saying.
After that day… I’m not sure why, but she captured a certain space inside my brain. My thoughts about the future, the ISS and global domination would often be interrupted by what I could remember from her smile. And before I could control it, I found myself constantly thinking about her. Indeed, it happened. I took an arrow to the heart.
… Know what? Screw the cupid and those Skyrim dudes, bullets are manlier. Yes, I took a bullet to the heart. I think it sounds better that way.
Either way, it happened. I was in love, again.
I’ve already felt in love for many girls in my life, but they all ended up cold and distant or revealing themselves to be idiots. I can say I never felt in love for the right person… And she seems to be no exception.
Why isn’t she the one? Why don’t I just invite her for a coffee or something? Well, because, every time I find a great girl who isn’t an idiot…
… There is already a boyfriend.
Yes, I rarely speak to her IRL because they spend most of their time together. Usually, the classes or the short minutes before the classes while waiting for the teacher to come are the only exceptions to that.
In other words, I was left unable to do anything about her. Not because of me, her or her boyfriend, just the simple irony of fate. It was vital for me to forget her.
But how can you forget someone you see nearly every day?
And who still dares to throw you a smile through times? Even if accompanied by a single “Hi” or “Bye”?
May that’s just part of a trauma? A trauma for being “different”? And therefore, for being a ragdoll for most girls I’ve met in my life, one who is just simply nice to me feels like a change?
It didn’t matter much, either way. She was way too distant from me. And once again in my life, while people around me were having fun and loving each other, I just sat back and watched, while the wall kept building itself around me. Like if it was all a movie, as if I could only be the spectator instead of living it.
And I just kept watching it.
Until I made up my mind.
I knew it was going to be in vane, and it wouldn’t do much. But I had a shot to, at least, say “those feels”. Or, at the very least, write them down.
It was the day before Valentine’s Day. And, as usual, there was the typical “Put here your Valentine letter and we will be sure to deliver it to her and humiliate her in front of the class!”.
I have no idea of what passed through my mind.
But I did it.
I made an anonymous letter for her, with “I LOVE YOU” written with a black marker in enormous fat letters and under it “I’m sorry” – Mostly because I knew how pissed she could have been. I made it anonymously because I thought she would immediatley associate the retardness of the letter with me, and therefore it wouldn’t do much telling the obvious.
After that, I don’t know much. In the next day, during the moment when the letters were delivered, I only understood that she seemed slightly intrigued by the letter. Maybe I heard it wrong, but it sounded like some people asked her who wrote it, and she said she had no idea. I didn’t even saw it, mostly because I know that it could have been suspicious if I turned around and looked at her… And eye contact would have killed me on that moment. Seriously.
I’m not sure about it, but I think she spent some time thinking about it. I remember that, during the Physical Education class right after the class received the letters, she seemed to stare at me for a while… Like if her eyes were blaming me.
After that, I felt like she knew it all the time. That day, I didn’t said or asked her anything, but on the next day, I couldn’t resist declaring it through the most coward way ever: Facebook. I didn’t even start a normal conversation with her. I just went straight to the point, since I thought she would have been thinking about it the whole day: “… Yes, it was me.” And the conversation went something like this:
I was wrong. At least it seemed like she didn’t gave much of a damn.
Either way, I still wanted to tell her the truth. And if I’m doomed to be unable to say if face to face (Or even Facebook to Facebook), I thought it would have been softer to write it all down this way.
Accompanied by dumb MS Paint drawings.
Get it now?
Was it worth it?
Yes, this last pic is unrelated. I just felt like I had to put in one last drawing. Whoever knows Chamillionaire and what a “rolling thunder” is will get the joke… Anyone?!
We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone. — Orson Welles